Breaking the Process Mold

When it comes to moving these so called bricks, where do I begin?


My typical method of helping myself through a struggle is to seek the wisdom of others.  I start by talking with trusted family members, friends, and colleagues about what I am struggling with and listen intently to what they have to say.  I am searching for that one piece of wisdom that will hit me like a lightening bolt and move me into action or make me feel instantaneously better.  I may also be looking for some compassion and understanding, hoping for acknowledgment that I am not the only person on the planet with a certain struggle. There is definitely comfort in that. And I admit I am often wanting to be reassured that I am ok and that I am loved even during times of insecurity.


The other place I frequent for wisdom is the bookshelf. I seek out an author or a book that seems to cover what I need at the time.  I dig into the book, underlining sentences, paragraphs and writing notes to myself in the margins.  One of the books currently on my nightstand is Rising Strong by Brene’ Brown (I highly recommend her work and books!).


In Rising Strong she says, “We can’t chart a brave new course until we recognize exactly where we are, get curious about how we got there, and decide where we want to go.”


I am a process person (and a “J” when it comes to Myers-Briggs), so when I read this passage, I immediately started listing my to do steps…


Step one,  answer the questions:

Where am I at with this niceness/boundary thing? Where do I see it causing me pause in my life? Why is it an issue? Is it really an issue? What am I making it mean about me? Do I like what I am currently believing about niceness in my life? What is the upside to being nice and struggling with boundaries? It must be benefiting me in some ways. How?


Step two, answer the questions:

How did I get here? (Note to self, answer this in a curious way. No judgment, just curiosity and compassion). What sticks out from my past? What are my lifelong beliefs about niceness? What experiences helped shape those beliefs?


Step three, answer the questions:

Where do I want to go? Who do I want to be when it comes to niceness and boundary setting? What would it look like to be different in this area of my life?  Where might it take me?


Step four?

Start moving bricks.  Find opportunities to practice new thoughts and behaviors.  Take new actions and get myself to where I want to go.


In the next few blogs I will start to move through this process and see what happens.


This is a definite change from my typical methods. What’s different is that instead of going to others for wisdom, this process and this blog are forcing me to be my own confidant, advisor, friend, coach, and unconditional supporter. THAT is kind of a big deal for me.




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